I remember loving how he looks in his blue sweater and when he wore clothes that weren't two sizes to big. I remember how his eyes were a different color everyday and how it was my job to tell him whether they were more grey or blue or sometimes even a little green. I remember the games we played and sitting draped over each other on park benches or movie seats when we wanted to hide from everyone in the world we couldn't stand to see. I remember. Parking behind Walgreens for hours at a time just to really be alone with each other. I remember that he did love me, as hard as it was for me to believe anyone could. We had really bad day, but they never compared at all to the good times.
Then, I get overwhelmed, and I can't breathe and I flush and hyperventilate and have to think for a minute to remember just where I am. I've been drawing a lot and writing and that seems to help. I'm reading more and smoking less. Today I forgot to eat, but I've got three days of spaghetti in my mini fridge and its a new year soon. I don't want it to be but what can you do?