you look one hundred percent better when i can't see you.

last night

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:01:13 GMT

I had a very tame and affectionate sex dream about Woody Allen.
So that's what's going on with me, nowadays.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:06:26 GMT

totally just had my first blackout drunk.
don't know whether to be super pumped about it, or just concerned with why my toe is bleeding.

sor juana

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:43:49 GMT

Hombres necios que acusáis
a la mujer sin razón,
sin ver que sois la ocasión
de lo mismo que culpáis.

Si con ansia sin igual
solicitáis su desdén,
¿por qué queréis que obren bien
si las incitáis al mal?

Combatís su resistencia
y luego, con gravedad,
decís que fue liviandad
lo que hizo la diligencia.

Parecer quiere el denuedo
de vuestro parecer loco,
al niño que pone el coco
y luego le tiene miedo.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:20:59 GMT

After a series of unanswered, drunken calls (and the subsequent awful messages), i have come to the conclusion that I am the world's most pathetic little child. HOLLER.

I am just generally confused about my life, and frustrated with myself. And binge drinking is probably not the best way to remedy the situation. Knowing that doesn't stop me, but at least I'm aware!

Whatever. My life's not awful or anything, I probably just need some prozac shit. Goddamnit. Other words...

Oh, and another reason why i SHOULD stop drinking so much:
so driving home from one dollar shots night, I offered to "put my pocket knife in" the cabby for making really inappropriate comments about "young black men."

But, reason why i probably WONT stop drinking so much:
one dollar shots.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 22:30:01 GMT

i just had chicken combs injected into my knees. well, at least shit derived from chicken combs.
i swear i can feel it sloshing around under my skin. no me gusta.

it was the first time aside from a couple of pap smears that I've had to go to the doctor alone. surrounded by residents watching me squirm and get injected with chicken combs, residents who laughed when i cursed.
i don't enjoy going to the doctor alone. i don't enjoy going to the doctor. but tough shit.

supposedly, this chicken gel could lube up my knees for as long as six months. sure, it's a coin toss, but it's kind of neat.

oh, also, i may or may not have swine flu. HOLLER.

edit: im dying. this is it. oh, so dead.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 04:00:37 GMT

I've never really had a consistent "dream" in life, or any goals/plans beyond getting to and finishing college. i knew what i wanted to study, and i knew where i didn't want to end up. now, as i'm creeping up on my 21st birthday and my final year of undergraduate studies, i figure it's probably time to think some shit over.

i still can't answer that age old "when i grow up" question, but so far this is what i've got:

-i want to go to law school so that i have the tools and cred to defend people's rights. i believe in every person's right to exist on a level playing field, and that will never waiver.
-i want a family that won't disintegrate. i want to get married. i want to have a child. i want that child to have a chance.
-i want to own a house with a pool. then, when the air conditioner breaks the fuck down in the height of summer heat, i can escape.
-i want to write a book. just one. don't care what on. i want to say i wrote a book.
-i do not want to be an addict. to be abused. to be stuck in any situation without a reasonable amount of control. to ever feel like i missed an opportunity.

i may not have the most direction, but if i can get through life and feel like i did something important, then i will be content. yeah, i have the desire to be extraodinary, to be the next gloria steinem or what-fucking-ever, but it won't be the end of the world if i'm behind the scenes and kickin' ass.
OR i can just stay in college forever and live in the flats and have a meal plan. that'd be great, too.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 18:43:23 GMT

i just found a huge chunk of weed in my dad's car. i know it shouldn't be a big deal, and it really wouldn't be if he didnt have such a shady history, and if he weren't supposedly on the straight and narrow at long last. it does make me feel like he's probably drinking again, at least.
i don't know. nothing should surprise me at this point.

i need to get out of my house. like, bad.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 03:36:44 GMT

please see my new goal for the future:

sure, i intend to go to law school and ultimately rule the nation with my own iron fist, but then there's retirement. and it will be all about the raccoon sweats and booze.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 02:54:26 GMT

so, i have a habit of compulsively grooming myself, with particular attention on tweezing my eyebrows.
the fact that i have no unibrow to pluck out right now is really bumming me out, to an uncomfortable extent.

please don't make me go to work tomorrow. please? unpaid internships suck balls. i figured it out and with the cost to the school and the cost of gas, this "job" is costing me about $1300. I realize that it could be worse, but it could also be worth it. So...
At least I get a lot of positive reinforcement. I may be doing ~~bitch~~grunt-work, but I'm apparently doing it well.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:58:08 GMT

Started my internship at MDA today. Lots of grunt work and envelope stuffing so far, but I'm hoping that won't be all I do. Fuck if i'm paying 1000 dollars for an unpaid secretarial position. BUT i am helping. I am giving back, literally, as this organization did a serious ton for my family when i was growing up. 11 years of free doctors, free camp, and god knows how many invaluable experiences.

Plus, the minutiae of creating spreadsheets is good for keeping me occupied, keeping my mind off of whichever loved one I've pissed off the most this week.

Then, driving home, I get onto the highway and two minutes later...rearended. I have had my car for three weeks, and already I've been smashed into. Some dude in a wheelchair thinking he's going to get my sympathy? Roll on, dude. Plus, the Plymouth is a BEAST and doesn't seem to have sustained much damage.
Whatever. All's good. Except for my luck.

Stressed out wussy child.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sat, 09 May 2009 05:55:29 GMT

I just spent the last three hours curled around my laptop and bawling my eyes out as i caught up on back episodes of Grey's Anatomy.
I will never, EVER be cool. Consider those illusions officially dashed.

One more week of school. Just over one more week of no BFF. Just over one week of no fave. I think if I can avoid watching anymore tv for that long then i'll be able to hold it together.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sun, 03 May 2009 17:05:31 GMT

I have been elected president of my senior class.
My bff comes back from stupid ol' south america in less than 3 weeks.
I just bought car insurance on a 1992 plymouth.
I am optimistic about receiving a sweet paid internship for the summer.

Life is scary OK right now. Something's got to blow up.

Did I mention that I get to see my BFF in less than 3 weeks? GAH.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 23:37:33 GMT

what is it about rich people and monograms?
once you reach a certain level of economic security, do you up and forget your own name?
do you need to hide reminders around the house? like on the bathroom candles, the pillowcases, the personalized cocktail napkins?

this couple i recently started babysitting for even has their name scrawled across their backyard, chiseled into granite slabs. just in case they forget they own it.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 05:00:37 GMT

there is rarely a time when i do not have SOME song obnoxiously stuck in my head, bouncing around on a loop until i have no choices but to scream or sing it in an indian accent (pointing out that i rarely intend to do an indian accent, but pretty much every accent i do sounds vaguely indian).

for instance, 'killing me softly' by The Fugees has been rattling around in there for a solid two years, mostly because of how fun it is to do the "bom ba bada bowda bow" breakdown part. but whatever.

my point is, that currently, the most obnoxious tune ever to get stuck in anyones head since humans discovered music is stuck in mine. and it's not The Fugees. It's not by anyone. It's the song I made up last night about brushing my teeth, and maybe even using mouth wash. Lyrics include "i'm about to go and brush my teeth, brush my teeth, brush my teeth...I may even use some mouth wash."

It's not cute. It's not funny. It's fucking stupid as hell.
And it wont go away.

in other news, i just wrote a 4 page punishment paper on the responsibilities of drinking instead of studying for tomorrow's midterm. wouldn't generally be a big deal, but i haven't actually cracked open the book on which the test is based, not once. I'm a really good student.

in other other news, i really want to make out.

as tired as i can possibly be, i can't sleep

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 07:43:44 GMT

i spent over 4 hours tonight making tshirts for our Choice fundraiser. Ive stared at those six letters--choice--for so long that i am convinced it's not actually a word. it can't be. there's no way in hell those letters fit together to make any real word. i'm spelling it wrong. what the fuck is a "choice?"

Also, after burning my arm on an iron and collapsing to the floor in exhausted stupor, christine and i deliriously garbled the words to a Third Eye Blind song at the top of our lungs. it made me wonder...
how the hell do boys talk to each other?

so much of my life is spent in my friends beds or laps or just being goofy to 90s jams, and i can't see men behaving that way. nor can i imagine how the hell else you would behave. what the fuck do you do with your time? how do you live your lives? i don't fucking get it.

whatev. jen jen is snoring. i'm going to go back to reading about how snoop dogg may or may not have killed his wife and hidden her in the basement. holler.

YAY COLLEGE

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 04:29:27 GMT

I attended 4 classes today. What did I learn? That life sucks.

Career Development: If you don't like networking, you wont get a job. Getting a job has to be your job. But there are no jobs, so be better at everything or you wont get a job for 10 years. Get a job, or you won't have a job.

History: well, see, black americans moved en masse during the great migration, but urban life sucked balls almost as much as share cropping. and it totes helped set up the gender relations that continue to inform black sexual politics and the hesitance of many black women to be "feminist" leaders.

Spanish: Argentina still struggles with the effects of La Guerra Sucia, particularly with continued efforts to locate the bodies of approximately 30,000 Desaparecidos. Not to mention that nearly 100 children have been discovered having been stolen from tortured detainees and illegally adopted by supporters of the junta.
Furthermore, in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, about 600 women and girls have been tortured, brutally raped, and murdered, with thousands more missing. Many have been found with their right breasts REMOVED and their left nipples BITTEN OFF. This has been going on since 1993 with no end in sight.

Social Stratification: Government assistance is fucked up. If you're poor, you probably always will be. There's no way out. Kill yourself, low-wage workers! It's your only out.

I could've studied math. Math is neutral. Math is optimistic. Sociology teaches you that the system is out to get you, and Spanish is about corruption and oppression...and sometimes there are beautiful hats.

I can't stop thinking about Juarez and poverty and I would really just like to turn it off. Now they're trying to tell me it could snow in April. Fuck all lives. Burnt out as hell.
I would really like something lovely to look forward to.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:41:46 GMT

i have nothing at all to say.

I WANT TO LIVE

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:45:42 GMT

if it were legal to marry a dayquil liquicap, i think i just might. tiny orange gels have restored to me my will to carry on, in spite of how fucked i am in classes. in spite of how bad (i assume) my hair smells. in spite of the fact that i have filled a giant bowl with used kleenex, chaffed my entire face, and sent at least a dozen "i want to die" text messages.

no, dear friends. alas, here stands a survivor. no common cold may defeat i.
hey mucus, suck it.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:14:07 GMT

I think I'm starting to get sick. Fuck that. I will not be sick for Spring Break. Considering I'm probably not doing anything but sitting at home with my animals, I refuse to add illness to the shitfest.

No, actually, I'm very much looking forward to spending the week at home. No way was I spending money I don't have to be cold on the beach, so here's hoping there's SOMETHING to do around the trail.

www.marriedtothesea.com

In the meantime, I'm trying hard not to smoke until I stop coughing and my chest clears out. Every time I cough it feels like the first time I smoked pot on Daniel Kelleher's backporch. And that is not the kind of memory I particularly enjoy having evoked when I feel like someone closed my head in a waffle iron. BT-dubs, remember when I was 15 and a fucking idiot? Weird times.

ANYHOO. Update on my being put on trial for holding a can of PBR:
Judicial Council revoked my social privileges for a month and ordered me to have an "alcohol assessment/education" meeting. They also ordered me to relocate my residence, but fuck that shit. I am appealing the HELL out of that. No way I'm trying to move to the third floor of some shanty dorm two months before the end of the semester. I have an appeal hearing on Tuesday, so we'll see.
ATTICA!

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 05:04:14 GMT

Today I fell down the bottom half of the stairs, smacked my head against the wall, and saw a white flash of light.

Then I went to Target and bought a folder with kittens on it for 55 cents.
All in all, I'd call that a good time.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 05:18:15 GMT

so, next month, i'm going to meet Angela Davis.
suck on that.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 05:19:21 GMT

my roommate totally has a boy in our room. even though she's been saying she was all about the ladies for the past year (whatever). i've been (s)exiled to the dining room.

but i wanna go to beeeddddddddd.
but i'm not allowed to be impatient because she gave me the whole weekend and she hasn't been touched in a very long time.
but i wanna go to beeddddddddddddd.

so, i'm an asshole. not my biznasss.

also, let it be known that diet coke is shaken-up shit in a bottle.
and i lost the back to my earring, again.
and if someone would just make my resume look baller as hell FOR ME, that'd be great. it's giving me a headache to rival the best of 'em.

i should not be so deliriously tired at 12:15. i wonder what time it is in Lima.

Coors gon' cut a bitch

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 05:59:34 GMT

I woke up early today so that I could meet with the campus police. I was ominously summoned on friday, forgot about it all weekend, and then wandered down this morning.
After a few seconds of small talk with the chief, i was told that the reason for my being called upon was a photo. A photo of me holding a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. I am twenty years old, and they claim to take the problem of underage drinking on campus very seriously.
Twenty minutes later, my interview was placed in a report and I was free to go.
Not, of course, without first asking how it was that the chief of public safety got hold of said photo.
"Well, two students who wish to remain anonymous brought it to my attention, along with some noise complaints that don't really involve you."

Now, I don't want to point fingers, but I am not above speculating. I happen to share a flat with one of the most passive aggressive, spiteful, and petty young women I have ever had the pleasure to meet, who also happens to be a part of a very elite group of people with whom I have had verbal confrontations. She doesn't like me, we aren't friends, that's fine. But I cannot begin to think about imagining that someone could be so low as to rat me out over a BEER and jeopardize not only my housing, but my standing at my college. And if it is her, then it's all because I didn't want her to turn the air conditioning on in January.
It just blows my mind that a person sucks that much.

Fortunately, the chief seems to understand that I'm not what you'd call a "trouble maker," and that it was a stupid mistake or whatever. Technically, I could be made to move back into a dorm or go up against the school's judicial council, but I was told that she wouldn't recommend anything so serious. The thing is, I'm not someone who gets in trouble. I tend to keep my reputation pretty clean. I'm just so fucking pissed off that, now, a Dean who I see at lunch and say 'hi' to every goddamn day had/has someone in her ear yapping that I'm a fuckin' drunk.

I hate everyone in the world. Honestly. If you asked me tonight who I would spare from the looming doom of Armageddon, I would draw a blank.

I skipped out on all three of my classes today to curl up under a fuzzy green blanket and mope. I can't find a realm of my life where things are going how i want them to. I cannot think about my debt without fighting back tears. Thinking about my future makes me short of breath, and not in the fun way. I am fucking lonely, but I cannot get a single friend or family member to make the effort to either come to Winston or bring me to Charlotte. In an attempt to do away with said loneliness, I've been forcing myself to go out, mingle, be around people; but it's only increasing my desire to punch babies. I am not going to Peru. I seem fundamentally incapable of doing what is required to get me to D.C. I can't even go to FUCKING CLASS!

I don't want to become a cynic. I don't want to be lame and depressed, because I do know it's all going to be alright. I just need a really good hug.

I must say, though, that there is one thing that makes me absolutely overjoyed, and it's the fact that for the first time in two months, there is not a single spot of mess in my room. That roommate of mine is a bomb-ass cleaner. It's all about the little things, eh?

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 07:05:06 GMT

if you ever just need a really good laugh, you should imagine me, Corey, the chubby , angry, cripple woman, in a yoga class.

they started offering free beginning yoga, and for some reason i thought to myself "yeah, that sounds like me!"
after three rounds of laughable sun salutations, it became apparent that i was wrong. i probably should've assumed as much when i told my mother my plans and she just laughed.
but fuck it, it's free, i'm still going.

i learned that i breathe backwards, that i should pay more attention when matching socks, and that it is virtually impossible for me to shut up and relax. not for two seconds did my brain stop. not for two seconds could i just turn off. it's ridiculous. i couldn't even repeat in my head "my legs and my feet are now relaxed" without interrupting the thought. "Goddamn that light is bright. My butt is going numb. Does this mean I cant drink sweet tea?"
I hate my brain. Lots.

Oh, and by the way, i can't sleep.

bambkac0@hotmail.com — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 07:46:32 GMT