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you look one hundred percent better when i can't see you. [entries|friends|calendar]
Kathryn Corey

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[June 3rd, 2012 / 7:13am]
I'm alive, still. Still going. Still trying.
This is the beginning of the season of shit, though. I should be celebrating Adam's 30th birthday and our 5th anniversary, but instead I'll be marking the year that has passed since he left us. So it goes.

I'm trying to do all the things we talked about. I'm trying to live my life for real. Next week I'm finally taking a bus to British Columbia, even. Like he always wanted. This is the only thing I know how to do -- get by. Keep on livin'. I don't feel any particularly deep, meaningful moments, but I will keep doing what I have to do, what I should. Its what I know is right. I'm not full of life, I'm not fulfilled because the fact of the matter is that nothing has or can take Adam's place and he was my whole unhealthy world. But I'm still here and still going and I'm going to fucking see Canada and the Pacific Ocean and make the world a goddamn better place. Or something.
0 robots + call yourself the boss

[January 17th, 2012 / 9:35am]
6 months. An eighth of the entire time I had him. A lifetime gone in a single second but six months later nothing has changed. Or everything has. My world will never be the same but it certainly doesn't feel much better than it did six months ago. I'm trying to understand. Trying to be brave and strong and a real human with a real life in the real world. but not a day goes by when I don't think of him and feel my heart break. Not a day goes by that doesn't feel like forever. Six months worth of tiny forevers stealing my love away from me. I don't think I'll ever really understand. But goddamnit I will love him every second of my life.

Adam Sykes--my love, my friend--I miss you always. I love you no matter what.
0 robots + call yourself the boss

[December 31st, 2011 / 9:40am]
I try to remember happy things. I set aside time everey day to smile for him.
I remember loving how he looks in his blue sweater and when he wore clothes that weren't two sizes to big. I remember how his eyes were a different color everyday and how it was my job to tell him whether they were more grey or blue or sometimes even a little green. I remember the games we played and sitting draped over each other on park benches or movie seats when we wanted to hide from everyone in the world we couldn't stand to see. I remember. Parking behind Walgreens for hours at a time just to really be alone with each other. I remember that he did love me, as hard as it was for me to believe anyone could. We had really bad day, but they never compared at all to the good times.

Then, I get overwhelmed, and I can't breathe and I flush and hyperventilate and have to think for a minute to remember just where I am. I've been drawing a lot and writing and that seems to help. I'm reading more and smoking less. Today I forgot to eat, but I've got three days of spaghetti in my mini fridge and its a new year soon. I don't want it to be but what can you do?
0 robots + call yourself the boss

[December 28th, 2011 / 5:25am]
Curious phenomenon coinciding with my recent increase in both social anxiety and binge drinking: EVERY NEIL DIAMOND SONG EVER MAKES ME CRY!

I am ashamed to call myself an adult. A sad, sad adult.
0 robots + call yourself the boss

[December 12th, 2011 / 8:48am]
I'm not ok, I don't think. I'm completely broke, alone, and just sad all the time. I can't afford to fill my prescriptions so I am having a hard time even faking it. My team leader keeps asking me why I've gotten so quiet. What am I supposed to say? "If I try to talk to you people right now, I will either scream or cry and neither is '@rofessional'.". We're hauling rocks to place for erosion control and every car that passes I just want to hurl a stone through their window. How dare you go on with your lives.

I don't know what I feel. Half dead. When Adam left he took the best parts of me with him. He's the one who built me up, its only fair he should keep what he made. I don't hardly feel anymore at all. Sad, angry, or empty. I don't care about anyone around me. I have to put on this bullshit act all the time. All the time. I thought running away would let me be a new person, but I'm not a person at all.

Or maybe its late and my roommate is snoring like she swallowed a chainsaw and I'm just being dramatic. Who knows.
1 robots + call yourself the boss

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